Claudia (The Courtesan)s Adventures in
by DetectiveShakespeare
Summary: Claudia, Edward la plej bona amiko, estas jxetita en malvirta mondo de katastrofo kaj morto kie ŝiaj amikoj fidi Klauxdia Claudia alvenas al kroĉu kun esti vampiro.
1. I

Claudia (the Courtesan)'s Adventures in…

Claudia, a gothic 18 year old courtesan who always wears black dresses and lots of black eyeliner and lipstick and has money who was also a vampire was going to visit her friend Jules who was a jester and also a unicorn. Jules the jester lived with the Twins, Natalie the Necrophilliac and Zoe the Zoo Tycoon Expert. Natalie was a harpy and Zoe who was kinda a werewolf. Claudia saw that Zoe was dead. She shrugged, not caring that much. She was wearing a top advertising her services. Zoe was clutching the sword stuck in her chest, blood in her sideburns. Natalie got excited because of a dead person but Jules the Jester was like "neigh thats your sister"

SUDDENLY

In bursts Anya, the attourney. She arrested Natalie on the basis that she believed that Natalie had killed Zoe (her own sister!?) for her own SICK benefits. As Natalie was being escorted from the premises Claudia looked to the lonely dead body of Zoe (what a waste of blood, blood from dead people was awful), Claudia knew she had seen that sword before, the same hilt, the same engravings, Claudia knew this was the work of someone else!


	2. II

Claudia stared at the sword, still glistening with Zoe's blood.

*FLASHBACK*

Claudia remembered looking into the near distance, a figure of around 5'3" holding the very same sword, this was obviously a memory a distant one from last year around summer when Claudia's kinda best friend (one of like 8, others being Zoe the other a character not yet mentioned) anyway Claudia's friend went missing. But Claudia could not remember the persons name. BUT SHE REMEMBERED THE NAME OF THE OTHER CHARACTER NOT YET MENTIONED!

*END OF FLASHBACK*

_"I remember the elephant tamer who was friends with the sword owner from the flash back!"_ Said Claudia.  
Claudia walked to the local elephant area and saw Emily there, she was the Elephant tamer, she was not an elephant but an elephant tamer as we have mentioned. She was wearing a similar hood to the person in the flashback but she wasnt the person in the flashback she was the other character not yet mentioned, now she is mentioned we will call her emily to avoid confusion. She is also a werewolf, but more werewolf than Zoe.  
Emily said "Nice sword, isn't that Haley's sword?"  
Claudia began to feel tears spill over the edge of her eyes like mini people in barrels going over niagra falls. She could not stop the waterfall coming from her tears, she remembered Haley, the girl who had gone missing and who used to own this sword that was now evidence in Zoe's murder.  
Claudia collected her emotions and zipped them away, all emotions apart from anger. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, Emily!" screamed Claudia pointing both fingers at Emily.

Claudia stormed off, yet little did they know that Anya was spying on them from behind an oak tree. The oak tree is a lovely tree, it towers very high. The Elephants used it as a scratching post. Anya took the opportunity to run, she ran and tackled Emily to the ground, breaking Emily's poor poor ribs. " YOU ARE ARRESTED IN THE NAME OF THE LORD" she said holding up a bible, it was a twilight novel. She then took Emily away to jail...

To be Continued


	3. III

*Haley's POV*

Haley was dragging a mermaid, not any mermaid, Haley's arch-enemy AMY the ASSASSIN mermaid who was a mermaid. Haley was stomping about, now grown to 5'3.5", and trying to contact Emily over the phone. Little did Haley know it was impossible to contact Emily because Emily had been arrested! (See previous chapter). Emily's phone had been crushed in the tackle, it was a very sad moment. Emily could no longer listen to the Frozen OST. Haley dragged Amy to the Elephant yard to find Emily and Emily was not there. Haley panicked, quickly she turned to Ezra the Elephant and asked where Emily was. Ezra responded in Elephant speech.  
"Emily has been arrested by Anya. Anya was wearing her twinkerbell top." Haley shuddered, she remembered that top.

*CLAUDIA'S POV*

Claudia was walking back towards the elephant yard looking to interrogate Emily more about Haley's whereabouts, not knowing that Emily had been arrested (see previous chapter). Claudia managed to arrive safely at the Elephant yard, she looked up and lifted her black hair that covered one of her eyes. That's when she saw Haley.

She walked at a steady pace, with the sword because it would be dangerous to run with swords they're like massive scissors. Haley looked up and saw Claudia who had now arrived at Haley's area.  
"Claudia?!" Said Haley in whatever tone she sounds like.  
"Haley... you were... kidnapped by Anya, that was the last time I saw you." Claudia nearly cried but she had zipped her emotions up.  
Haley clutched her fist dramatically, then said in a really dramatic tone "I escaped but she stole my sword. Now Ezra (the elephant) says that Anya has arrested Emily!" Haley doesn't cry. Except from when she was tipsy that one time after some Jack Daniels and she was reblogging Frozen stuff.

Claudia nearly felt guilty about leaving Emily to get arrested by Anya. The only other time Claudia felt guilty was when she threw up on Mark, which Mark? I do not know. It might be Ian?.

Then Amy, the assassin mermaid spoke. "Owen was also arrested!"

Then everyone at once (Ezra the elephant, Haley the hashashin (it's like an assassin I can't spell it) and Claudia the Courtesan) everyone exclaimed

"NOT OWEN! (the organ donor)"

TO BE CONTINUED...


	4. IV

Owen's POV

He was cold, he was bloody and he was missing the luxury of wifi. This prison was a hell hole, he looked down his top and saw the scars, someone had stolen an organ. A terrible ironic twist. His job was an organ donor, but he didn't donate organs, he took them from people and then sold them. It was a good way to earn money, the needed money. It was legal. Why had he been arrested? No one knew.

He saw a shadow pass the light, he had a small window to the corridor what he could look out of.  
"You know why you've been arrested," Said Anya. "You killed ZOE"  
"NO! I was doing something else that we won't say!"  
"So even if you didn't kill zoe i'm arresting you for being against God with your actions!"  
"My actions?" All he had been doing was playing cards. AND CHEATING.

Then Owen started to cry and dance and sing to Chicago, it was quite entertaining.

CLAUDIA'S POV

Claudia was walking with Ezra the Elephant, Haley and Amy. Amy was being dragged still, she kind of liked it.  
They walked to the prison, from the outside it looked like a nice caravan, when they walked inside and realised it was an entrance to some stairs that led down into a cavern that led down to some hidden cells. This was where the prisoners were held!

They looked down to where they saw the prison keys and cells, they were separated from the end by several traps and trails.

The first sign read  
FIRST TRIAL.  
"Ok the first trial looks like water" Said Haley  
She was right, it was water. BUT YOU COULDN'T SWIM IN THIS WATER.  
Claudia jumped in not knowing this issue. She began to drown. Ezra screamed.

Then all of a sudden Rachel Stevens appeared from the side door singing that S CLUB 7 songs "REACH FOR THE STARS" she sang. And Claudia did reach for the stars. She was free! Ezra looked in awe at Rachel, he never met anyone with such a great singing voice, except from himself. Ezra began to sing, he then turned into a brilliant boy who was addicted to devices and twitter. They formed a super group and left Claudia, Amy and Haley to the SECOND TRIAL. They were over the first trial. 


	5. V

Haley, Amy and Claudia walked to the next trial but first they saw a window to the side. They looked out, Claudia gave Haley a boost up to look out of the window. They saw a very sad scene. Edward, who we will call Edward Cullen for the hell of it, was dead on the floor of cell. He was on his pole dancing pole, because he WAS a pole dancing erotic dancing vampire. Adam lay next to the dead body crying. He was an aerobic instructor, but he did not feel like instructing anymore.

Claudia sighed at this scene  
"We will say a prayer, would you like to lead us in this prayer, Amy?"  
Amy nodded "When we are born we cry that we come to this great stage of fools"  
Haley growled at Amy "stop reading my homework on King Lear."

"Come with us" a mysterious voice called from behind, it was the second trial.  
"Can we borrow your playing cards?" Said another voice. It was The Angel of Death and Lewis.  
He was enchanting them over to a death cliff.  
Then Haley made a sacrifice, she threw he playing cards at the enchantresses and they died a very dramatic death.  
Amy said "I am a man more sinned against than sinning"  
Haley tore up her english homework so Amy wouldn't read it.

TRIAL THREEEEEEE

This was when Haley fell over, because like she was wearing really shitty shoes but anyway, the trial was to withstand Moffat fans. They committed mass murder and moved on.  
"I KNEW YOU WOULD FAIL" said a voice, it was Anya.  
"How did we fail?" Said Claudia, eating the dead people.  
"YOU COMMITTED MURDER WHICH IS AGAINST THE LAW"  
"Not really if you consider that it is a necessity." Said Haley.

Anya scuttled off towards the other important prisoners (Emily and Owen) and Claudia, Haley and Amy followed into the darkness...


	6. VI

The other important prisoners were busy being in jail. Anya pointed to them "THESE ARE MY FRIENDS"  
"No, they're our friends!" Said Claudia in a very strong voice.  
Haley was looking into a prison cell whyl eating a mcdonalds. The burger fell apart in Haley's hands, she looked sadly to it "It's just like my marriage".  
She saw the prisoner in the cell, it was SONNY. Haley cried a lot because she cried 3 tears, that is a lot. Sonny was arrested for being too BRIGHT.

"I'll get you out of here" Said Amy.  
"NO YOU WON'T" Screamed Anya, she threw Amy into a water tank. "YOU'VE BEEN ARRESTED FOR DENYING THE COURSE OF JUSTICE."

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?" Said Claudia.  
"BECAUSE I AM AVENGING ZOE."  
"Why?" Said Haley, "There's no point."  
"…" Said Anya "… I Loved Zoe. I loved her like the moon loves the sky."  
"The moon doesn't love the sky?" Said everyone, even the prisoners.


	7. VII

Haley was very confused on how to release everyone, but then she saw a crow bar and used it by loudly screaming into Haley's face. Amy watched in horror as she saw Natalie cry. "Anya, if you loved Zoe, why did yo not love me?" It was all very shocking. Haley glared at the floor crying, she was still devastated about Zoe, her love, being dead.

SUDDENLY

Claudia realised she never had checked to see if Zoe was really dead!

This incident was disturbing and started to drive Claudia to insanity. She stared to wear white instead of black.

Then Ned from Pushing Daisies walked in with Kristen Chenoweth and Idina Menzel.

"Zoe was never dead" They sang.

Anya tripped and landed on the button which opened the jail cells.


	8. VIII

The prisoners ran out of the jail cells, Owen rolled on the floor crying about Frozen. Sonny flew away into Space to become part of SPACE DANDY and Amy flopped out of the water. Natalie cried about losing Anya's love and then Emily rode out of her jail cell on an elephant. The crew had been reunited. It was emotional.

"So, Kristen, Zoe isn't dead?" Asked Claudia, getting out her detective notepad.  
"I don't know," Said Kristen, carting off Lee Pace (Ned) and Idina Menzel towards a better and more successful career than being in this story.

"So If Zoe Is Alive, Then That Means... THIS WAS A SET UP" Said Claudia, she pointed to Haley aggressively "SOMEONE WANTED TO GET YOU ARRESTED"  
"Oh, that's cool." Said Haley, looking at her £12 Wicked socks.

Then suddenly, I'm going to describe the surroundings first.

The prisoners that were released all stood to the left, except Emily stood with Claudia to the right. Haley sat on the floor in the middle watching Frozen and they all sat in front of like a small replica of Erebor. It was about 10ft tall. Anya was on top, fainted.  
Then lightning struck and and a booming voice sang (not good singing)  
"MY PLAN WAS A FAILURE BUT STILL I SAY, I AM ALIVE AND HALEY NEEDS TO BE ARRESTED. BUT NO CLAUDIA HAS FOILED MY PLAN. I WAS NEVER DEAD, YOU NEVER CARED, BUT I AM ALIVE AND I LOVE YOU ANYA."

RAIN began to pour everywhere as everyone, except Haley, looked up in shock at the newly alive Zoe.  
Haley said "can you be quiet please."


	9. IX

Anya stirred and awoke from her temporary concussion thingy.  
"Zoe,,, you're alive?" said Anya, sleepily.  
"I am my dear-child. I will confess my,,,"

Suddenly, Haley was very annoyed that people were interupting her Frozen movie, which now everyone was watching rather than watching the heroic display of love shown by Zoe.  
"EXCUSE ME THIS IS A FILM HERE WE WANT YOU TO BE QUIET." Said Haley angrily, throwing popcorn at Anya and Zoe.  
Claudia arose from her sitting position, picked up Amy and threw Amy at Anya and Zoe  
"IT'S GETTING TO THE GOOD BIT SO PLEASE WAIT FOR YOUR LOVE OUTSIDE OF THIS FILM." Screamed Claudia.  
Then Emily, with nothing to throw, Threw her Elephant at Anya.  
It squished Anya and then walked away, free.

Anya lay on the floor barely breathing, the rain covered both Zoe and Anya. Like that scene from The Notebook? (I've never seen the Notebook but i think that's the film.)

"Zoe, I love you..." whispered Anya, dying.  
"I love you too." But it was too late...  
"THIS. IS. ALL. YOU. FAULT." SCREAMED ZOE AT HALEY.

"Wait no it's Emily's fault?" Said Haley, confused that she was being blamed.

Zoe began to charge at Haley, full speed. Claudia froze, Emily was confused and the rest of the prisoners actually tried to stop Zoe. But NOTHING COULD STOP ZOE!.


	10. X

Zoe had been calmed down.  
Emily and Haley were talking about Zoe.  
"Scary." Said Emily.  
"Yeah kind of." Said Haley.  
Then a train man was closing the gates, Zoe was in a car about to go through the train gates, nearly running over the train gate closing man.  
Zoe ZOOMED through the gates, nearly crushing Emily.  
"NO I SHANT LET THIS STAND" then Haley jumped in front, the car stopped.  
Zoe got out, with a sword.  
Then Haley tripped up, fell into Frozen and died while killing Hans.

Claudia, Emily, Amy, Owen etc all gathered around the dead body of Haley.  
"Let us give her a brilliant burial" Said Claudia.  
They placed Haley in marble coffin, it was in the middle of a brilliant wood, the statue on top was a dramatic pose of Haley, the grave said.  
"Rest in Peace the only cool person in the world."  
Everyone went to the funeral, even Queen Elsa and Elphaba.

Claudia unzipped her emotions and started to cry niagra falls again, Emily knelt and placed Haley's sword at the foot of the grave.

"what will we do about Anya's body?" Said Zoe from outside the funeral, because she wasn't allowed in.  
"THIS CHAPTER IS HALEY'S CHAPTER" said everyone, insulted that Haley's memory would be tarnished.

They all played "Defying Gravity" and "For Good" at the funeral and it was really sad. 


	11. XI

As the writer I feel i am at a wall. Haley, the greatest, is now dead and what is there to do now.

Except go back to the story which is a bit less cool now haley's dead.

In the year 398 Claudia returned to Haley's grave as a reunion. The forest was in the middle of a city, a city had been built around Haley's grave, the city was thriving. It was a nice medieval like town because, I haven't said this, but I always imagined this set in the medieval towns. The town was called NOT HALEYVILLE but London.

Claudia knelt next to the grave, "Haley," she said in a sad voice "We still remember you, how you helped me and Emily release all those innocent prisoners." She sighed. "Emily now works as the castle elephant tamer, Owen now executes people and takes their organs. Very weird. Zoe has moved on from Anya, she is in love with Olaf the Snowman. Amy has started a swimming school. Natalie buries dead bodies AND NOTHING ELSE TO THEM. Jules works for the Queen, very good. Rachel and Ezra started Vampire club 7, very popular in this area, sold out the arena. Adam still cries over dead Edward the Erotic Dancer" Claudia paused. "The new Queen is Jessica Lange, but we already knew that."

Claudia rose, called into the forest "Come here" and out came a man.  
"this," Claudia said "Is my fiance,,, I wanted you to meet him. I will marry him outside your grave. Let it be known, Haley, that we will never forget you. Or your 5'3" height."

Zoom out shot of the land around and of the castle and the thriving community as steve and claudia kiss infront of the statue, an emotional kiss that lasts until the screen goes blank.


End file.
